Healthy Boundaries

protecting your mental health

Many of us grew up in environments with explicit boundaries set by our parents or care-givers: taking turns and sharing things, bedtime routines and mealtime behaviour. These boundaries helped us develop respect for others and provided security and predictability when we were young. However, as adults we often don’t consciously consider our personal boundaries and the important role they play in helping us navigate the dynamic world we inhabit. Yet, healthy boundaries are essential to safeguarding mental health.

Lax boundaries can lead to emotional depletion, stress, anxiety, burn-out, resentment and feelings of guilt and obligation. By contrast, health boundaries foster self-esteem and self-worth, create space for rest and self-care, and are fundamental to building trusting and respectful relationships (including strong support networks).

But did you know that it is not just poor boundaries that are problematic?

Overly rigid boundaries are also detrimental. Inflexibly tight boundaries can lead to emotional estrangement, a lack of depth and intimacy in personal relationships, social isolation and loneliness. What is more, letting go of overly rigid boundaries can prove incredibly difficult, as it requires self-awareness, emotional vulnerability and the willingness to trust others.

Individuals can also develop combinations of both poor and rigid boundaries, for example, an inability to say “no” in a work-setting coupled with an inability to build more than surface-level friendships in one’s personal life.  

What are Personal Boundaries?

Boundaries help protect our emotional and physical well-being and allow us to maintain a sense of identity and to feel secure. The main types of personal boundaries are:

Physical Boundaries These involve personal space and physical proximity to others.

Emotional/Self-Regulation Boundaries These help separate our emotions and feelings from others. They protect us from becoming emotionally drained or overwhelmed by the feelings of others and help regulate our emotional energy.

Intellectual / Mental Boundaries These allow us to hold our own values, beliefs and ideas, whilst respecting other viewpoints.

Time Boundaries These ensure that others respect your time. Since time is limited, time boundaries often overlap with other types of boundaries.

Material / Financial Boundaries These define what you are comfortable sharing or lending and under what conditions. They may change throughout your life and often need reinforcement during life changes.

Digital Boundaries These relate to online presence and privacy, including how and when you engage online. Digital boundaries have become more relevant with the rise in social media and can overlap with time boundaries due to communication expectations.

What are Your Personal Boundaries?

One’s personal boundaries will be determined by who we are interacting with and in what context. Hence the possibility of individuals exhibiting both poor and overly rigid boundaries.

Personal boundaries may also shift suddenly after significant life changes and very few people will get through life without the need to communicate the redrawing or reinforcing of their personal boundaries.

The starting point for all work on personal boundaries is self-reflection.

Start by reflecting on what you need in various areas of your life (physical, emotional, social and so on) and consider your personal history. Identify situations where you’ve felt uncomfortable, taken advantage of or disrespected. Consider also times when you have felt isolated, emotionally cut off or overly defensive.

It often helps to journal your interactions with others if you initially draw a blank on these types of self-reflection. If you are unsure, you can also seek feedback from trusted sources. Be open to their perspective and consider whether any of their suggestions resonate with your experience.

How to Set and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

For those areas of your life where your boundaries have not been set firmly enough or are not being respected the following approaches can help:

Be Clear and Direct When repositioning boundaries with friends or setting boundaries with new contacts, be clear and specific about what you need. Direct communication with others is vital to ensure your message is heard. This is particularly important when boundaries have changed, for example after a significant life event.

Say “No” without Guilt It is ok to say no to things that don’t align with your emotional, physical or mental well-being. This includes, for example, utilising your time in line with your priorities. Practice setting limits without feeling the need to explain or justify yourself.

Be Consistent Maintain consistency in enforcing your boundaries. If you waiver or allow boundaries to be crossed, it sends a message that they aren’t important and that others may disregard your boundaries at their own convenience.

Distance Yourself from Repeat Offenders It is important to look for red-flags. It is not acceptable for others to continue to violate your boundaries even after having them clearly and directly communicated.

How to Loosen Overly Rigid Boundaries

If there are areas of your life where your boundaries are too strong, you may feel you lack connection with others.  Ask yourself why certain boundaries exist for you and whether they still serve a purpose. Self-reflection may help uncover the motivations behind your rigid boundaries, such as past trauma, a fear of rejection, issues with emotional regulation or a general sense of distrust.

For those areas of your life where your boundaries are too strict the following approaches can help:

Acknowledge the Fear Behind Your Boundaries Rigid boundaries often stem from the fear of being hurt, rejected or betrayed. Acknowledging this fear can help. Forming meaningful connections and relationships inherently involve some level of emotional risk and vulnerability. It is also helpful to challenge any internalised beliefs, such as that vulnerability will inevitably lead to being hurt.

Start Small and Work Gradually Over Time Begin with small, manageable steps. Small acts of openness allow you to practice vulnerability without overwhelming yourself. Try practicing loosening your boundaries in a safe space so that you can relearn how to trust others more easily and build your confidence. Over time, give others opportunities to demonstrate reliability and respect, and allow yourself to lower your guard little by little.

Try to say “Yes” More Often Rigid boundaries often mean that your default response to new opportunities or invitations is “no”. One of the main mental health issues this causes is a lack of cognitive flexibility and a lack of capacity for self-growth. Practicing saying “yes” to new experiences, social interactions or occasions for emotional openness, can help soften rigid boundaries.

If you have a concern about your personal boundaries and wish to discuss these with an affirming and supportive counsellor today, do reach out to Unicorn Care!