Polysaturation

How many is too many?

A unique question that arises for practitioners of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and polyamory is how many partners are sustainable at any given point in life. At what point will an individual feel they have hit “polysaturation”?

Polysaturation occurs when someone has reached their capacity for maintaining multiple simultaneous romantic or intimate relationships. The often joked about diary juggling necessary to conduct not just one but a series of meaningful, healthy relationships dictates the upper limit for most.

Research suggests that on average CNM individuals reach polysaturation at around 3 to 5 partners. Viewed against the background of the number of hours people spend at work and allowing for regular commitments with family and friends this seems a realistic average.

Patterns of CNM can vary wildly outside of the average, of course. Comet relationships, where a lover passes through one’s life intermittently but with an expectation of continuity, thrive in the times of international travel and globalised working environments.

In the context of comet dynamics, for example where lovers may be living in different countries, it is not beyond the imagination to envisage individuals for whom the polysaturation point could be upwards of 10.

Capacity and Limits

Just as individuals have varying capacities for managing relationships in monogamous contexts, people in CNM relationships also have different levels of polysaturation. Polysaturation can vary based on constraints such as emotional bandwidth, time and logistics.

An individual’s polysaturation point will also likely vary across a lifetime. Indeed, for some, CNM only presents itself as a viable option after children have flown the nest.

Communication

Discussing polysaturation with partners is an important part of maintaining a healthy balance. Not everyone in the relationship dynamic will settle on the same number of other partners and it is vital to ensure that everyone is having their relationship needs met.

Consider for example a thruple (a 3 person relationship) involving a cohabiting couple and a (not so mythical!) unicorn who lives alone. The unicorn may prefer to have 2 or 3 other relationships running in tandem, whilst the cohabiting couple may be content in a primary relationship together with just a single secondary partner. Effective communication is vital to ensure that all partners can discuss their needs, feelings and boundaries openly and honestly.

Safety

The number of partners with which one is fluid bonded (i.e. engaging in unprotected sex) does not need to equate to the number of sexually active partners. Again, communication is paramount to ensure that everyone in the relationship dynamic is aware of the risk and knows with what frequency they should be getting STI and sexual health testing.

Personal Boundaries

All relationships take time and commitment. Regular check-ins provide the opportunity for expression of concerns and are important since each person’s polysaturation point is unique and can change over time.

Being aware of one’s polysaturation point requires self-reflection and self-awareness: do you feel comfortable or you feeling overwhelmed in your relationships?

Recognizing when additional relationships or commitments might exceed one’s capacity to maintain health connections and impact your emotional well-being is vital.

Rebalancing other relationship commitments over time is particularly important when other aspects of life have changed. Anything from taking on a new pet to starting a family should be factored into such reflection.

If you would like to discuss any concerns or issues you are having in your CNM relationship dynamics reach out to Unicorn Care today!