Kink Shaming

how to address it

Kink shaming is the act of judging, criticising or mocking someone for their sexual preferences, interests or practices. This can include interests in BDSM, role-playing, fetishes or other consensual non-traditional practices. Kink shaming often stems from societal stigma, misconceptions or personal discomfort with certain sexual preferences, and leads people label them in a demeaning or insulting way.

Kink shaming can have serious effects on mental health and our relationships with others. Those who experience kink shaming may experience feelings of guilt, self-doubt, anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. They may become isolated and struggle to trust or feel comfortable about their desires, which limits intimacy and connection with others.

Why Kink Shaming Happens

Social and Cultural Norms Societies and sub-cultures often uphold a limited view of “acceptable” sexuality, and anything outside these norms may be seen as “deviant” or “weird”.

Lack of Understanding People often judge what they don’t understand, particularly when it comes to unfamiliar sexual preferences. Fear can also arise from a lack of understanding. People with there own sexual insecurities can also engage in kink shaming as a coping mechanism to avoid their personal discomfort.

Media Portrayals Some media inaccurately portray certain kinks or fetishes in an exaggerated or negative light, reinforcing stereotypes and misunderstandings.

Moral or Religious Beliefs Some individuals may believe that certain kinks are inherently wrong based on moral or religious grounds, deeming other’s sexual preferences as “sinful”.

Internalised Kink Shaming

Unfortunately, kink shaming can also become internalised: individuals adopt negative societal attitudes or judgements about their own sexual preferences and kinks. People with internalised kink shame may feel self-critical or conflicted about their sexual interests, often suppressing or denying them. As with experiences of kink shaming from others, internalised kink shaming can negatively impact mental health and relationships with others. It is also a barrier to self-acceptance, agency and self-determination and prevents living authentically, inline with one’s values and desires.

In addition to the causes of externalised kink shaming, internalised kink shaming can also arise from negative early experiences. Individuals who were shamed, criticised or even punished for their sexual interests, especially in their formative years, are particularly susceptible to having internalised those attitudes.

Combating Kink Shaming

Combating kink shaming starts with promoting open-mindedness and education. Learning about different sexual preferences can foster greater acceptance, and normalising healthy consensual kinks can reduce stigma. Emphasizing consent and mutual respect is very important. If something is consensual and safe, it should not be a source of judgment.

The rise in people exploring BDSM after the release of 50 Shades of Grey shows how making consensual kinks more understandable and acceptable can help people feel free to embrace their sexual interests without shame.

For those on the receiving end of kink shaming, kink-aware, sex-positive therapists provide non-judgmental support, helping individuals explore and accept their sexual interests in a safe environment without fear of shame. Forming relationships with people and communities who respect and affirm individual sexual identity can also foster self-acceptance and reduce shame.

For those tackling internalised kink shame, working with a counsellor to challenge negative beliefs and learning to practice self-compassion can be life changing. Recognising and reframing negative beliefs about one’s own sexual desires and practices helps to reduce self-critical internal voices. Whilst accepting that one’s own consensual sexual preferences are a natural part of the human experience can lead to personal growth, self-acceptance and allow individuals to live more openly and authentically in seeking shame free sexual fulfilment.  

If you have experienced kink shaming from others or are seeking to challenge and overcome internalised kink shaming, Unicorn Care is here to help you.