The Relationship Escalator
Stepping off
For those who are new to the concept, the relationship escalator is a stereotype embodying a traditional, socially supported model of adult romantic relationships which sets out a series of milestones which one is expected to ascend. According to the stereotype, only by moving up the escalator, can one’s relationship be described as ‘serious’ or ‘successful’.
Specific milestones may vary, particularly in more conservative or religious communities, but typical milestones include: dating exclusively, cohabiting, engagement, marriage and children.
Questioning the Model
There are a number of reasons to be cautious about unreflectively accepting social stereotypes and the relationship escalator is no exception. Whilst for some people, the model conforms to their ideal, for others the model serves to restrict their choices and serves as a roadblock to living freely and happily.
For one thing, the model incorrectly assumes uniformity in human relationships and experiences. Not everyone wants the same kind of commitment, marriage or children. In addition, aside from the question of choice, having biological children or marrying the one you love are not options available to everyone.
Creating pressure to conform to the model’s milestones can also lead to unhappy relationships. Feeling rushed to step up the escalator can create resentment or regret if the next milestone is not actually inline with one’s values or priorities. It also puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship, whilst devaluing other important forms of intimacy, such as deep friendships, chosen families or less conventional partnerships.
Reflecting on alternative relationship models sheds light on different ways to connect and to consider models where your needs, values and desires may be better served.
Considering Alternatives
There are various ways to explore connections with others. Here are three types to consider:
Non-Monogamous Relationship Models This is a broad umbrella term that encompasses ethical/consensual non-monogamy, polyamory, solo polyamory, relationship anarchy, open relationships, swinging and others. What unifies these models is the essential agreement between all partners that some form of multiple romantic or sexual connections are permissible. Full knowledge and consent directs the particular nature of the model.
Non-Romantic or Non-Sexual Relationships For those who do not see romance and/or sex as central to their ideal relationships, alternative models include queer platonic relationships, aplatonic or aromantic partnerships, chosen family and co-parenting models.
Alternative Monogamous & Semi-Traditional Models If aspects of monogamy strongly appeal to you, but the full escalator does not, then there are flexible options which may better suit you. For example, monogamish (predominantly monogamous but with some flexibility), living apart together (monogamy without shared domesticity) or de-escalated relationships (stepping off at the milestone that feels comfortable and rejecting the pressure to move upwards).
Choosing Your Model
If you are questioning the relationship escalator and wondering what sort of relationship model might better suit your needs and provide fulfilment, try asking yourself the following questions:
Do I want exclusivity or am I open to multiple connections?
What are my priorities? Independence, deep commitment, flexibility, a mixture of hierarchical relationships…
What role does sexual desire and physical intimacy play in my ideal relationship structure?
How do I want to arrange my life and shape my interactions with others?
If you are questioning the relationship escalator or the dynamics of your relationships with others, Unicorn Care provides affirming non-judgmental counselling and is here to help you resolve these issues.